if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
