Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
