I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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