Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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