Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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