getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
