I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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