just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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