Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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