i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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