The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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