I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
