Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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