uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
