Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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