I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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