Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
