last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
