If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
