ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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