Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
