Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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