Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
