I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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