took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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