nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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