Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
