Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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