he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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