If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
