Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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