My underwear smells like fireworks.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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