So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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