I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i think im in europe. pls send help
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
