I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
