no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
