i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
