The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
