I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
