just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
