I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
