I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
