apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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