He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
