I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
