in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
