It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
this hospital has no fireball
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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