I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
