I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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