Sorry, I don't speak sober.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
