i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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