captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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