I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my liver is dry heaving
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
