She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
