my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
