saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
