So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
