I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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