Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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