My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
